You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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