Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
