well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
