Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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