And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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