Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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