You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
