a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
