is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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