just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
