i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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