Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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