there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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