do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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