everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
time to smoke my breakfast
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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