Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
