i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
