he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
