3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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