that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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