dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
