They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
