He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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