theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
