If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
