Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
