sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
There are leaves in my underwear?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
