just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize