It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He did a backflip because drugs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
