she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
