My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
did you just send me my own nude
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Pooping to opera.
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