Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
