So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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