kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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