i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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