I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Randomize
