U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
