Your face is a jimmy john
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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