The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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