Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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