your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
