SEEEEXXX PLEASE
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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