Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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