I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
