don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's shark week go big or go home
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize