phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
