He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
