im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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