even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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