I am in a vortex of obligation.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
