i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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