I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
