Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
