i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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