I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
