yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
