Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
