Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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