just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
