I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
