im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
