she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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