apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone came in the potted fern
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
