come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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