Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
