Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i love accidental penises.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
