i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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