she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
